i'm learning to love myself. and i don't deserve what you've been doing to me.


i stil dunno hw u do it.
promise me something WHILE doing the total opposite of what you promised.
jus nw was the last straw.
you knoe just how to hurt me.
whr it hurts the most.
so stop being in denial and telling me shit lyk
"i love u. i dun wan this. i wan u" or
"i hate hurting u" or
"idk how to hurt u"
cuz u do it lyk a professional.




u wan me?
no, i dun tink so.
u certainly havent done anything to prove that.




i'm keepg my frens.
cuz my frens wanna continue being my frens.
n obviously, i stil care for them and wan to grow old with them.
n i figured it was onli fair that they get a say in what they want.
n im damn happy tt im nt givg them up to sm1 who doesn't tink of my feelgs in the 1st plc.



i'm sorry,
bt u've been stripped off the title of being "the luckiest girl in the world".
next pls.

dear mira


i shld jus shut up already.
bt i cant.
im turning suicidal.

i guess u've forgotten to listen to wad i dun sae.
n even when i sae it, u jus ignore me all the same.
n i guess u've forgotten wad my face looks lyk when im hurt.
smile more, is easy to say.
a smile is easy to fake.
bt my eyes cant lie.
and of all people, i thot u might've known tat.
jus cuz im physically thr,
and im smiling,
doesn't mean i dont hurt.

n yes, i care.
i care enuff to allow myself to hurt rather than havg other ppl hurt.
i guess i wont try tellg u anymore.
im sorry.
todae was my mistake.
ur the only 1 tat im in contact with,
i've left the rest.
n ur ignoring me.

if u dun wan me here, i'll leave.

STOP THINKING


& get sm slp already.

Dear God, please help me through tomorrow.

"Inspite of all the consequence
Inspite of all my pride
Inspite of little things you said
That hide me deep inside




I believe your love
I breathe your love
Like the air in the morning
I sleep your love
I salute your love
And I can't get away

went to fix my hp tdy. they replaced my touchscreen.
yet agn.
i went to send it in with sery.
bt collected it alone.
too many memories.
too many recent memories.
i cldn't avoid the tears.
bt dun wori abt me.
i'll b ok.








haf to kip my mind fr wandering.
wondering abt ppl.
esp tmr...
when i wan to b somewhr with sm ppl... bt no, i'm not allowing myself tt luxury.
i have to b strong now.
i've already made my decision.




so tmr, i shall spend time with nunu :)
n entertain her at werq.
haha.
i'll bring comot tmr!
remind me la k?
i'm superforgetful abt smtgs.




yet smtgs r jus so hard to forget...








after nunu, 4ish, i gtg science discovery centre to fetch azlan!
tts lyk at jurong... haha...
i havent exactly figured out how to get there.
Insya Allah, sampai.
i hope it doesn't rain though.
i'm sorry badminton is out.
i'll try booking the court tmr.
i mean, later.
we'll go, ok?
just the 2 of us.
worse come to worst.
we'll play at my gym
HAHAHHA :)













tdy, met sery n weewittzx @ PS...
thn off to mosi for some sheesha & chitchat.
i'm suppose to make more frens rmb? hahhaa....
after weewittzx went home, sery & i went for supper cuz sery LAPAR GILE.
she ordered, bt in the end, can't finish. APA DAH?!
and lil miss incredible hulk here, broke the fork.
not 1, but 2.
after the 2nd one broke, i requested for a metal fork for her.
luckily, tt didn't break :)








sery's going to bed soon.
then i'll be alone.
i hate being alone.
i don't think i can do this.
but i must.
i pray for your happiness.
n i dun care wad other ppl think.
cuz my heart won't change anyways.
have fun tmr, k?
don't let ppl langgar u when ur cycling.
i'll always be here for you when you need me.
tt's a promise tt i haf never broken.
n never wil.








i got ur sms.
don't make this harder than it already is.
i dun wan to say goodbye.
not even seketika.
not even sekelip mata.
i dun wan to make things awkward.
n i dun wan to fight anymore.
KU RINDU KO, BODO!

Walaupun semua hanya ada dalam mimpiku
Hanya ada dalam anganku
Melewati hidup



Rasakan abadi
Sekalipun kau mengerti
Sekalipun kau pahami
Ku pikir ku salah mengertimu



Aku hanya ingin kau tahu
Besarnya cintaku
Tingginya khayalku bersamamu

i'll b here once ur done


Great love requires great sacrifice.
And I've decided that I love you most.

More importantly, I've decided that I love you more than I love myself.

a day of giving in...


...because im learng to b a bttr person.
a nicer person.
a mildr person.
because u dun uds me animore.
or lov me animo.
i wil chg.
for u.
the eriyana u once knew had her hands on the knob too long nw.
its already turnd. n shes walkg out.
let's welcome the new ME, shall we?













got shouted at in public.
got attitude.
i told u it wasn't gg to werq out.
well, it was awkward.
but u noe i'll always b here for u. because i wil.
regardless if whether i wan it or nt, ntg wil ever change tt.
n since the longest time, i thought it was a strength.
bt tdy, it made me realise tt perhaps its my weakness.

finally got coach tickets to KL.
hotel bkd on sun.
leavg nyt of 2nd dec.
comg bck on saturday.

give me 1 good reason why i should go.
just 1 good reason to counter all these reasons that scream at me not to go.










nunu, u wan me to bring comot tmr? if u do, remind me k? cnt wait for tmr!
n thank u for tdy. reali.
don't worry, i'll stay wif u til morning.
i'll join u in slumberland ryt aftr dis entry.









tmr, im gg PS to fix my touchscreen hp.
yes, my hp is dysfunc.
n possibly catch a movie.
2012.
wif weewittzx.
a blatd bdae mit up.

me: izzit just u n mi?
weewittzx: just the 2 of us... i nak romantic couple dgn u

alahai! kalo la semorg nk romantiq couple dgn i....








i cnt wait for my med apptmt on 5th jan 2010.
seems lyk a reali long tym.
i'm bldg agn.
n fr requests fr lovd ones, i've ceased takg my meds.
i also cldnt stand it.
the depression was drivg me insane.
nw, wen im off the meds, wen shyt happens, i jus gt confused.
at least confusion is nt tiring.












its ok.
u don't haf to follow me on sunday.
i wldn't wan to force u into doin smtg u dun wan to.
its ok to break the promise.
u noe y?
cuz ur nt my fren.

haf fun on sunday (;












i'll learn hw to tkcr.
i must.
n 24, i may b.
bt deep inside, i'm just a girl.

whr did the gud in my morning go?

may i sleep a dreamless sleep tonight?


Since my FB password has been changed by Nunu, as instructed by me. I don't have much to do online... So instead of asking other people to blog, I have decided to update this dormant blog. I don't know who will chance upon this entry first. Because I'm not going to tell anyone... It's more like for my own entertainment. HAHA.






So why am i not allowing myself to access my own FB acct?

It's been a painful place for me.

To a point that I get upset til i cry everytime i log on. Which actually is good for my dry eyes so that they get moisture. But no, my mind and heart can't take it. It's depressing. I used to think that it was just me. Everyone told me that i was just being overly sensitive. But now, I know that it wasn't just me. Life's complicated like that. Anyways, don't worry. I've stopped crying every night. For now, at least.

This is the day that i broke down.
I broke down in front of lan.
And i couldn't stop breaking.
I couldn't stop crying.




"Little girl, little girl
Why are you crying?
Inside your restless soul, your heart is dying.
Little one, little one
Your soul is purging
Of love and razor blades
Your blood is surging

In the wake all the way
No rhyme or reason
Your bloodshot eyes
Will show your heart of treason

The traces of blood
Always follow you home
Like the mascara tears
From your getaway
You're walking with blisters
And running with shears
So unholy
Sister of grace."






me & lan r doin great. he's such a sweetheart. really. he's my boyfriend. n my bestfriend. n i'm so happy that u improved so much on ur IPPT bby! n tt ur marksman, lyk all the time.

we found a brand of contraceptives especially catered for eurasian men. hehehhe..... NS has been mean to me. I miss my darling. We only talk like 10mins every night... n the wkends r nt enuf. haizx.






ANYWAYS, my 1 mth geron posting is OVER! I had fun... First time doing night shift... OMG, i CAN'T werq nightshift. when the clock strikes 4am, i become sleepy like crazy.... its lyk i can literally doze off while doing work. but by the time the sun rises, all my sleepyness disappears into thin air. and i reach home, and can't sleep. and even when i finally sleep, i wake up like 4hours later? and can't get back to sleep. especially with all the renovation works happening next door. yup, i've got new neighbours :)


That was on the last day of our geron posting where we had a mini concert for some of the patients there... & nw i have 2 wks break til PRCP starts... thats my final attachment whr its 3mths long....






I'M GOING FOR HOLIDAEZ! yes, plural! 26th going to Batu Pahat for Hari Raya Haji. We're apparently going to sembelih kambing thr. nt literally, lyk someone else is going to. bt we're korbaning there.... pls la, do i lk lyk i can slaughter a kambing? ok, don't answer. HAHA. i'm supposd to go thr to stroke, pet, brush, feed and possibly even sleep with the goat that i'm going to sacrifice. which is so sad, you know... after getting to know the goat, have to sacrifice it. But i guess, that's the significance. I'll just have to concentrate on the fact that we're going to give the meat around for people to eat. Like to feed the poor. I'll be back by 27th night... Then on 2nd dec night, i'll be coaching off to KL! with Azza, Sery, Fee & Ayam! Just us gals :) we're going thr for some foodies & shopping... it's end of the year sales!!! we initially wantd to go to Genting/Cameron Highlands... Bt mama tak kaci.. she's worried abt the monsoon.... and BOY, it is monsoon-ing!

that's feeza after we rode to PS... to mit ayam... Yes, hujan LEBATZ. notice tt only her privates below are kept dry. she must've been wearing some kinda panties, huh? hahaha....






i realised that my last entry was halloween 2008! haha... and halloween 2009 has passed. and i had A Dead Party at the gym. Erfan had his frens over. And I invited mine. We didn't need much work in the gym.... i figured its half haunted anyways... HAHA.... we had dare games..... which i put in alot of effort in, btw. the dares involved tying cloth on a nail stuck in a tree, burning joss sticks, hellnotes, going to a grave to sprinkle rose water and flowers.... WOW! now i'm so excited for my halloween party NEXT YEAR.... maybe i'll start planning for THAT the next time i get bored with nothing to do... mmm...


if u wanna see more pix, kindly visit my FB profile... i've got loads thr.... i'm just uploadg some pix tt r nt on my FB...






me & fee went to help elf out abit.. cuz he had an event tt needed people... so we hosted the games :) i knoe we look like we're waitressing. bt promise, we weren't.

Feeza looks like a penguin. Lyk an excited penguin. Agree?

we njoyed werkg. n we wld LOVE to work agn. i told elf tt. hope he got the hint. haha. the pay isn't half as bad :)
PLUS, someone mistook me for a sec sch gal! *YES* and thought tat feeza is 26. *YES YES*






last sat, we washed bikes! finally, lyk after MONTHS! me n farley wash bikes. and ayam & azza came to help. somewhat la.. HAHA..... we took HOURS. washing, removing scratches, removing rust, polishing chrome, waxing and me applyg sunblock (aka UV protection for Mino).... izzah says Mino is a bimbo cuz she uses sunblock... HAHHAHAA..... even the rider tk use sunblock la ok. too malas. but the rider doesn't bathe once in a few mths...



Gosok.. jangan tak gosok
Gosok.. lampu yang satu
Gosok.. sampai kau nampak wajahmu
Gosok.. jangan tak gosok
Gosok.. sampai berkilat
Gosok.. sampai tertanggal semua karat


HOT or wad?! gal cucikn fino mino i. FUHYOOOOOHH!!!






i just went on my first ride on my dad's boat! Daddy, Mama, Cik Enal, Lan & i! we went on a short fishing trip! i love the sea. but azlan got abit seasick... but he wasn't nauseous or anything... just felt abit woozy... poor baby.... anyways, i so wanna go again! i miss swimming. and jetskiing. and snorkelling. and boating. and just being so close to the water. even laying on the beach is different. i love being in the middle of the sea. where theres nothing but water.





I LOVE.